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Dealing with intimacy issues in a relationship can be a challenging and often misunderstood experience, especially when it comes to your partner losing his erection. As a woman, you might find yourself feeling confused, worried, or even questioning your own attractiveness.
However, it's important to understand that this issue is more common than you might think and can stem from various physical, psychological, or emotional factors.
Most of the time, it has nothing to do with attraction or how they view your physical attributes (a common misconception that most people think is the reason behind a man losing his hard on, but it's actually something else that you're overlooking)
Put simply, relationship and sex are complicated and almost never perfect, but that doesn't mean they can't be worked on and improved.
So, let's talk about the different reasons behind what causes a man to lose a hard on and attempt to provide you with some knowledge and reassurance, and ultimately help you support your partner and strengthen your relationship.
Our Sexual Response Cycles
The first thing we're going to address today is our sexual response cycles. Sexual response isn't a linear process, meaning it doesn't always go straight from arousal to orgasm. Instead, it's more of a cycle with different stages that might vary in length and intensity between individuals.
To very quickly recap on them:
Excitement Phase: This is the initial stage where your man begins to feel aroused physically or mentally. This can be triggered by various stimuli such as physical touch, visual stimulation, or sexual thoughts. (This is where the erection process starts. Men need enough time to immerse themselves, to start that process)
Plateau Phase: This is where your man's arousal continues to increase, his heart rate and breathing become more rapid, and he might experience muscle tension. At this point, he is highly aroused but has not yet reached orgasm. (This is where the erection is hard but not at it's hardest. Think of that 80-95% erection, but it's not quite as hard as when you're about to burst)
Orgasm: The peak of sexual pleasure when all that built-up tension is released through rhythmic muscular contractions and a release of hormones such as oxytocin (the love hormone). For men, this typically results in ejaculation. (That short time frame where you reach the PONR, point of no return, where you're at that full rigid 100% erection and then you ejaculate moments after).
Resolution: This stage follows orgasm, during which the body returns to its pre-arousal state. Heart rate and blood pressure decrease, and muscles relax. (The erection process undoes itself and goes back to a flaccid state.)
Now the reason we bring this up is because we're going to talk about guys losing an erection specifically during the excitement phase.
Loss of erection during the excitement phase is a sign that a man may not be sufficiently stimulated or that not enough time is being invested in this important stage (or there are external disruptions that can take your man out of the mood).
The excitement phase involves the build-up of arousal through physical and emotional stimulation. If this phase is rushed or lacks variety, the intensity needed to maintain an erection might... well, fail.
The same old boring thing in the bedroom can also play a significant role, as "predictability" can deflate sexual excitement. Introducing new elements and ensuring both of you are fully engaged and excited can help sustain an erection through this phase.
If you want to learn more about this, make sure to check out this guide on what happens during our sexual response cycles.
Next, let's dive into some of the other common reasons your partner might lose his erection quickly.
Unpredictability & Unfamiliarity
As we mentioned earlier, predictability and familiarity can be detrimental to sexual excitement. In long-term relationships, it's common for couples to become used to each other in the bedroom (sex may become routine or there is monotony...).
This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but if there's no effort put into keeping things fresh and exciting, it can lead to a lack of arousal and difficulty producing or maintaining an erection.
This is just the way we are wired as human beings.
To combat this issue, communication and having those "hard to talk about" conversations is needed to understand one another. For instance, couples with a strong/healthy connection are able to talk about introducing new elements or exploring different forms of intimacy such as role-playing or trying out new positions without fear of shame, blame or judgement.
This is where platforms such as OMGYES can come in handy, offering educational content and creative ideas for spicing things up in the bedroom. If you haven't already seen our complete review of OMGYES, make sure to check it out as we cover everything you need to know about it.
Could it Be That He Doesn't Find Me 'Physically' Attractive?
Unpopular opinion: it could be a potential reason. But it's not in the way you think.
Studies on relationships show that as a relationship grows, emotional and psychological bonds are formed, which do become stronger overtime.
In the early stages of dating or participating in hook-up culture, the choice to engage in sexual activity is primarily influenced by physical characteristics. Nevertheless, as the relationship progresses and matures, the emphasis transitions from purely physical attraction to a more holistic view and appreciation of the person as the connection starts to take shape and grow.
Think of.... "making it official" or a year or two has gone by with that person. It's now more familiar and you're now bonded with that person on some level. You're no longer looking at just their "physical attributes".
Qualities like respect, kindness, attentiveness, humor, intelligence, to name of few---are some of the many things you can now say you are with that person or that you find attractive about that person.
Relating to what matters in the bedroom, "physical" attraction is usually at the bottom of the totem pole when ED plagues a man. Usually the guy is more focused on the problem of not getting hard or difficulty staying hard and assuming the worst about his own body or what you might think of him.
But what if he doesn't find me attractive anymore or he loses desire for me?
Age, health, stress and what's going on in the environment around you---during certain periods of our lives are factors to consider. And the truth is, we all go through periods where we feel off balance, or we have a hard time feeling desire or issues with intimacy and connection because of extenuating circumstances.
For example, when you have children, your focus can often shift from your relationship to prioritizing and giving attention to your kids. Consequently, we may perceive that our partners are not completely engaged with us, or that there is insufficient time for intimacy. As a result, sexual activity is frequently neglected. Therefore, it is important to have a conversation about maintaining intimacy and discussing your needs and strategies to achieve that—ultimately, ensuring a satisfying sex life.
A solution or tip is planning a date night, or finding time to send the kids off to grandma and grandpa's for the weekend (if available). This way, there is no fear of your kids walking in on you, or rushing to be intimate or feeling like there is not enough time.
There is this myth that men are like light switches and that we are always ready to go. We've debunked this many times and research and science continues to show that male sexuality and what makes us hard is more nuanced than just looking at "physical attributes" and getting there.
While age and our bodies may change or fluctuate (we gain a little weight or we do something different with our hair that may change attractiveness), studies continue to prove that in a healthy relationship, the connection is strong enough where the couple is able to have these "hard to talk" about conversations that includes honesty, more focus on health and well-being, communication and emotional intimacy rather than physical appearance alone.
Apples to Oranges (The Comparison Trap)
Comparison trap is the thief of joy.
Some guys make the mistake of comparing what their ex’s did in bed, as opposed to what they’re experiencing now.
This can create unrealistic expectations and dissatisfaction in their current relationship, leading to decreased arousal and ultimately him losing his erection quickly.
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It's like comparing apples to oranges... each relationship and sexual experience is unique, and drawing comparisons can prevent you from appreciating the present moment.
If you feel like your partner might be falling into this trap, encourage open communication and remind him that every relationship is different and that what matters most is the connection and intimacy between the two of you.
This is also another good opportunity for using a platform like OMGYES, as it offers a variety of techniques and insights for connecting with your partner on a more intimate level.
Psychological Challenges
Aside from physical and relational factors, there are also psychological challenges that can contribute to a man losing his erection quickly.
Performance anxiety, stress, depression, and other mental health issues can all have an impact on sexual performance.
It's important to remember that these challenges are not a reflection of your partner's attraction or feelings towards you.
Experiencing psychological or emotional challenges, such as relationship conflict, can also cause a decline in sexual desire or even stop their desire altogether. When conflict arises, it can create emotional barriers that overshadow any sexual excitement you guys may have had at one time.
These unresolved issues often lead to emotional disconnection, which heavily impacts your man's arousal and sexual performance.
Understanding each other’s feelings and working through conflicts together can restore the emotional connection and, subsequently, revive sexual desire and motivation.
If left unaddressed though, relationship conflict not only affects intimacy but can also accumulate resentment over time, further exacerbating the decline in sexual desire.
Health Challenges
Another reason that causes a man to lose a hard on quickly could be underlying health conditions or medications they may be taking.
Health challenges can significantly impact a man's ability to maintain an erection. Poor diet and lack of exercise can lead to various health complications such as obesity, high cholesterol, and high blood pressure.
These conditions affect circulation and cardiovascular health, both of which are crucial for achieving and sustaining erections. When a man doesn't take care of himself, it can also lead to a decrease in overall energy levels and stamina, further affecting sexual performance.
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Encouraging healthy lifestyle changes, such as incorporating a balanced diet, regular physical activity, and routine medical check-ups, can have a HUGE impact on both general well-being and sexual health.
Another health challenge he could be facing are hormonal imbalances. Testosterone is a key hormone for sexual arousal and maintaining an erection.
As men age, their testosterone levels naturally decline, but it can also be affected by certain health conditions or medications.
Encourage your partner to have regular check-ups and address any potential health concerns early on to prevent them from impacting his sexual performance.
It's too easy now to have your hormones tested. With platforms such as Healthlabs, you can have it done from home and without even scheduling an in-person doctor appointment.
Performance Anxiety & Unrealistic Expectations
Lastly, performance anxiety and unrealistic expectations can also contribute to a man's inability to maintain an erection.
The pressure to perform and meet certain standards can be overwhelming for some men, leading to increased stress and anxiety during sexual activity. This is especially true for younger guys with little to no bedroom experience.
This can create a vicious cycle where the fear of losing an erection becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Unrealistic expectations of sex often stem from online environments such as pornography, social media, TV shows, and movies too. Which can significantly influence a man's perception and performance in the bedroom.
These platforms frequently portray sex as "flawlessly" passionate, with a primary focus on physical perfection and continuous pleasure.
However, real-life intimacy doesn't always align with these scripted and highly-edited portrayals.
Pornography, in particular, can set an unrealistic benchmark due to its exaggerated depictions of sexual prowess and endurance.
Social media and entertainment industries also contribute by idealizing bodies and romanticizing relationships, often neglecting the complexities and imperfections inherent in human connections.
This inconsistency can lead to feelings of inadequacy and frustration when things don't go as planned. Which can ultimately lead to him not being able to get an erection or maintain one.
What to Do If Your Man Can't Get It Up
If your man experiences difficulties getting or maintaining an erection, it's first and foremost important to approach the situation with compassion and understanding.
You should also remember that it's not always a reflection of his feelings towards you or his attraction for you. Instead, it could be due to any of the factors that we discussed above.
Physical Factors: Physical health issues such as poor diet, lack of exercise, obesity, high cholesterol, and high blood pressure can affect circulation and cardiovascular health, which are crucial for erections.
Emotional Factors: Emotional disconnection, often stemming from unresolved relationship conflicts, can reduce sexual arousal and desire.
Psychological Factors: Mental health challenges like performance anxiety, stress, and depression can impact sexual performance.
Health Conditions and Medications: Underlying health conditions or medications, including hormonal imbalances and especially low testosterone levels, can influence erectile function.
Unrealistic Expectations: The pressure to perform and unrealistic expectations from online environments and media portrayal of sex can lead to stress, anxiety, and feelings of inadequacy, ultimately impacting sexual performance.
Start by communicating openly and honestly with your partner, without judgment or blame.
Express your concerns and let him know that you're there to support him in finding a solution together. Encourage healthy lifestyle changes, seek medical advice if necessary, and explore methods of reducing stress and anxiety.
Most importantly, remember that intimacy is about more than just physical pleasure. Focus on building emotional connection and intimacy, which can often reignite sexual desire and motivation in the process.
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The Phoenix Shockwave Therapy Device
The Phoenix is an innovative device that utilizes low-intensity shockwave therapy (LI-ESWT) to help guys:
Improve their sexual health
Fight sexual problems in the bedroom
Boost their bedroom performance
Reverse sexual decline
The Phoenix device offers a convenient at-home solution, eliminating the need for frequent visits to medical facilities. Easy to use, it allows men to administer treatments in privacy and at their own convenience.
So if your man is losing his erections quickly, you may want to learn more about how The Phoenix helps guys who have the inability to get hard.
You can also read our full guide and review of The Phoenix here.
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